


love and war

by minachandler



Series: we can just fly away and never look back [3]
Category: Killjoys (TV)
Genre: Episode: s04e09 The Kids Are Alright, F/M, Goodbyes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-25
Updated: 2018-09-25
Packaged: 2019-07-17 13:48:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16096898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minachandler/pseuds/minachandler
Summary: Set at the end of 4x09. Just before Dutch takes the elixir, she leaves Johnny a message.





	love and war

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Sophie for reading this through for me and giving me great feedback.

At last, at _last_ Dutch knows what she has to do.

“Lucy, I need you to record a message for Johnny. And I want you to make sure that he receives it alone.”

Her words are greeted by silence. Then: “ _I sense this will not be another message reminding Johnny to do his own laundry.”_

Dutch laughs; she can't help it, because it’s often hard to tell whether Lucy’s actually making a joke. But just as abruptly she finds her chuckle turn into a choked up sound that's closer to a sob. She clears her throat impatiently. “You're right,” Dutch says. “I’m not going to be here when he gets it. It's a goodbye message.”

Part of her wants Lucy to argue, to ask annoying questions, to do anything to try and stop Dutch from doing what she knows she must. But Lucy’s soft side has always been reserved for Johnny. No one else. So after another pause, Lucy replies, “ _Understood. Recording now.”_

Taking a deep breath, Dutch begins, “Hi, Johnny. By now I'll have taken the elixir and Aneela will be in my place. I’m sorry, but it's what I have to do. I know you don't exactly have a high opinion of Aneela - I mean, how can you, after what she did? But I also remember what you said to me - that if she saved my life it didn't matter what she did to you. I also know that you promised Delle Seyah that you would help bring Aneela home, and I know above all that you always keep your promises. So I hope things are okay eventually.

“But before I go there's something I need to say. To be honest, I've been saying it to you for the last nine years, only I always made sure you weren't listening. And all this time I felt like that was enough for me. But this time is different. This time I - I don't know if I'm going to make it back. So as much as I would love for us to die together and for me to have my last words be with you by my side - if I don't ever come home... you deserve to hear this now.”

She pauses now, though, because she feels so ridiculous just _thinking_ what she’s going to say next. “Oh, hells,” she mutters to herself, rolling her eyes, and then she just comes right out and says it: “Look, I love you, okay? And not just in that roundabout family way that we like to say out loud, the way I first said it to you when we were both starting out as Killjoys. Not in the way you tell our friends you love me either - in some platonic, non-threatening way - no, I mean the full-blown kind. The six months after my husband was murdered were the hardest months of my life because I felt so lost - but the ones that came after that were also some of the brightest because I found you and you somehow didn’t leave. And I've stayed in love with you ever since. I’ve just never said it to you, not really, because I knew you didn’t feel the same and I didn’t want to lose what I had with you. But now… I wish that there was a way to turn back time so I could do things differently - with you, with D'avin, Alvis, Pawter, even.

“I can't do that, though. And it took you being turned Hullen for me to realise that there's no going back for me. That's why I've been distant with you. It's not because of D'av. You were right about us. With him it's always been about going back to old habits. We were going to burn out one way or another - there's no way we would last, even if I do care about him, so really me going is me doing him a favour. I hope he understands. Tell him I’m sorry. For everything.

“Last time I left… I didn't tell you this. Not exactly. But you knew I wasn't supposed to make it out of the other side alive. D'av didn't get it. He was angry at me at first. He thought I was - falling on my sword to be some kind of martyr, but that wasn't it. I wasn’t doing it to be honorable. That’s not who I am. He didn’t get that. But you did. You do. I know you get that right now, me going back in the Green isn't because I want to hurt you or anyone I love. It's because I want to destroy the Lady so I can save you - you, first. Then whoever else makes it will make it. Or not. And I don’t care that that’s not heroic. I’m not a hero - that’s your thing. And Pip’s, in the end.

“Speaking of which - Zeph said something to me today. About how I’m the one who’s supposed to bring everyone home. And after seeing the disappointment on her face that I failed - I realised that I can’t save everyone, even I wanted to. But you saved me, and I know I have to do the same.”

And she's managed to keep her voice mostly steady this whole time, somehow, but the lump of tears in her throat is unmistakably there throughout. Then, as she takes a deep breath, she says, “I remember when I first found out about who Aneela was to me - in the Remnant, and you found me in a memory and said you could tell me how it all ends, that I was going to have the best days of my life with you. You were right. My favourite memories are the days when we…” She hates herself for the sniffle that escapes her as her voice shakes a little, but she soldiers on. “The best days I ever had were when it was you and me, just before we were Killjoys, when you said you wanted to take Lucy for a last hurrah now that we had some fuel before we became - what was it you said? ‘Respectable citizens’?” She manages a watery smile now.

She remembers more than that, though. She remembers the two of them, on the ship, from the best vantage point in the J, according to Johnny. For hours, they could just sit there, floating in space, watching the stars, and it was then, she thinks, that she realised then that maybe she had found her home after all. It wasn’t because of anything in particular - just being with him, knowing to expect Johnny’s presence by her side - a warm hand on her shoulder or his sunshine smile lighting up his whole face and those ever so gentle blue eyes - sharing the last of the hock they had straight from the bottle.

She realises that Lucy is probably still recording. Dutch clears her throat suddenly. “Anyway. I know there’s a lot of sappy shit coming out of my mouth right now. But hey. All’s fair in love and war, right? And this is a bit of both, I guess.”

Dutch shifts awkwardly on the spot and then says. “So yeah. Take care, Johnny Jaqobis. Love you.”

-

Lucy never manages to get that message to Johnny - not when Dutch specified that he hears it alone. And when all is said and done and the team make it out of the Green, Dutch doesn’t even remember her own name, let alone the farewell she left for her favourite person in the world.

But sometimes, when Yalena Yardeen’s head is resting on Johnny’s bare shoulder and she’s fast asleep, she dreams of some other life she has with him. Yalena dreams of covert ops, weird green goo and - maybe best of all - Johnny in a thigh holster.

Worst of all, though, is that in these dreams Johnny doesn't look at her with that tremulous longing he had in his eyes when they first met at Queen’s (only in her dreams it’s called The Royale). And she wonders later on, as she arranges the barstools and doles out endless drinks, what is missing - from her life, and from this dream where she doesn’t choose him and somehow her husband doesn't want her.

_“All’s fair in love and war,” said Ron brightly, “and this is a bit of both.”_

_-JK Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows_

**Author's Note:**

> I kinda struggled with this one, but I'm now on a bit of a Killjoys kick after that finale (which, yes, I do have mixed feelings about but also DOMESTIC MARRIED DUTCHJOHNNY). I would love to hear what you think of this fic in that box below. Also, if you want to yell about things you are welcome to send me an ask on tumblr - my url is minalaurellance. :D I hope you enjoyed, and thanks for reading.


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